Good Grief!

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:6-9 MSG

The phrase, “good grief”, is often used as an expression of frustration, irritation or shock. Today, I reflect over one of my biggest seasons of grief, and will use it to describe what I consider, good grief. Sounds like an oxymoron, right? LOL! I know, but life has taught me about perspective and as I grow older, tend to observe and process life's happenings from a different angle.

Death is essentially to many, one of the hardest phases of life to accept. I mean, in most cases, you have created such a bond with this person, now deceased, so how really can life continue to be okay without them? When my great-grandma, Mama, was in her final stages of life, I, at the same time, was experiencing one of the most challenging seasons of my life - going through my final stages of chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. My great-grandmother never knew what I was going through; I chose not to share that information with her. Whatever energy I had during my visits with her, I gave her all that I had, cautious to give wind of anything going on with my health. I remember many days she would speak to me about “that baby”; I would never feed into the outburst because unfortunately, my great-grandma was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease so her cognitive thinking and processing was not always consistent or up to date with current events – well at least, not for that season. During the month of June 2011, my final two chemotherapy treatments were scheduled to be administered with a new medication, Taxol, and my final chemo treatment date was scheduled for 6/23/2011. I had pretty much tolerated all of my previous infusions well with the other medications, and the AC duo, but my system rejected the Taxol. I developed an extreme allergic reaction to the Taxol infusion on 6/2/2011. I thought it was a setback, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise, and preparation for the way I would grieve my great-grandmother’s passing. Due to the allergic reaction, my chemotherapy treatment end date was extended, and I had to be switched to a substitute medication, Taxotere, in hopes that I’d tolerate it better. Again, Thursday, 6/23/2011 was originally supposed to be my FINAL chemotherapy treatment date. I would have been exhausted for about 4 to 5 days, no energy to do anything. For some reason, that day, I was pressed in my spirit to go visit Mama – wasn’t sure why, but literally, pressed in my spirit; it was a feeling of, “you have to go!”. I made my way there late afternoon/early evening. Mama was pretty much out of it; she was literally resting and not responsive but still breathing. I talked to her just as if she was wide awake and I remember whispering to her, if you’re ready, it’s okay – I recall her moving her toe in response. We prayed over her before we departed. Later that night, we received the call that Mama passed.

Saddened? Absolutely! Grieved? Still to this day, especially this time of year, which is around her death date. However, I am daily comforted by the constant memory of that day, and how despite what I was dealing with myself, was able to share in her last moments. I can’t even imagine if that day turned out different for me. What if I would have had my treatment that day knowing the typical effects each infusion had on me the evening of??? I would be devastated. Likely living each day in regret.

I’m grateful that God has a way of working things that don’t seem to make sense, for our good! He’s strategic in His plans, and all we have to do is be obedient. My grief over my great grandma’s passing was good, because when I think of her, I remember our special moments shared in those last days. She’s at peace, and that keeps me at peace. Let’s not even forget her talking about that baby… a year later, I found out I was pregnant with my son. She was preparing me for that season. I thank God for using her to make mention of that which would ultimately come to pass in my life. My season of grief wasn’t so bad; it was good for me!

I know everyone’s response to loss won’t be like mine in this instance, and every loss won’t result in the same response. But my constant sharing with you is always from a place of truth, vulnerability and empowerment. Take the time to fully process your grief, even if that means going to counseling. Before you even do that, I encourage you to release that sadness, heartache, and the like daily to God, in prayer. Pray for the darkness and heaviness of that grief to be removed from you, and in turn, think on the things that are noble, true, and of good report (those memories), and allow that light to shine again in your heart and your countenance. I am a firm believer that ALL things work together! Be encouraged.

Continue to R.I.P. my dear great-grandma. Loving you always!

- In Loving Memory of Sarah Roberts